Sunday, December 12, 2010

If O had been in the Oval Office then

Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy, whatever the hell that means — the United States of America allegedly was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.
The imperialist United States was at peace with that nation, and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. The Japanese have been offended by our policies in the Far East and I have bowed to the emperor and offered my apologies on several occasions.
It is surmised that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the U.S government has deliberately sought to deceive the Japanese by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace, so I say we should not jump to hasty conclusions about who started this fracas.
And don't sweat it. Adolf told me he is going to sit this one out.
The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands -- one of my favorite golfing spots -- has caused some damage to American naval and military forces. Also, a few American lives have been lost. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.
Yesterday there was also an attack against Malaya.
Last night someone attacked Hong Kong.
Last night some forces attacked Guam.
Last night other forces attacked the Philippine Islands.
Last night someone attacked Wake Island.
And this morning someone attacked Midway Island.
But let's not make a big deal out of it. Stuff happens. We should be tolerant and not engage in racial profiling.
Someone may have undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today, as interpreted by the New York Times, speak for themselves.
The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation and how it could influence votes in the next election.
Would someone please move the TelePrompter a little closer?
As commander in chief of the Army and Navy and winner of the Nobel Peace prize, therefore, I have directed that measures be taken for our defense. I have authorized Marines to carry live ammunition when they land on the beaches, and may return fire if fired upon. And, of course, they will be fully covered by my health insurance.
For a while our nation might remember the character of the onslaught against us, but, hey, we'll get over it.
No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people, in their righteous might, will win through to absolute victory -- or a negotiated peace. If we happen to win, we'll pay big reparations.
I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves if anyone actually does something to piss me off but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never make us feel ill will toward the oppressed people of other nations.
Hostilities exist. But even if our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger, we should not fly off the handle.
With confidence in our armed forces, under the greatly reduced defense budget I recently introduced, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph. So help us (insert your own deity here).
Never mind Kate Smith. As the Rev. Jeremiah Wright has said, God damn America.
However, I can read the polls and I ask that the Congress declare that since the so-called unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December 7th, 1941, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese Empire.
But I will bring the troops home next July. We have an election coming up, you know.

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