Elegy written in a kayak

Last weekend, while paddling my kayak around in the marshes, a great blue heron swooped overhead and dropped some guano on my head.
I thought to myself: This must be heaven.
As I combed it out of my beard, I thought to myself, “Self, why are you intruding on nature this way?
“This beautiful expanse of nature should be preserved for the bugs and weeds Gaia has put here. Homos, sapiens and otherwise, should not be here despoiling it.”
This brilliant bit of philosophy inspired me to write a column. So I took out some organic weed, rolled one and lit up. It makes me think more clearly.
I also fired up my laptop and began typing: “The solution to pollution is dilution; the solution to pollution is dilution …”
It was one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever written and it reminded me of a tune by the Rolling Stones. That led me to write a brilliant aphorism: “A rolling stone gathers momentum.”
Then an osprey swooped overhead.
I took out my parasol and opened it up. I can always wash the parasol.
But I’ll never wash my beard.
Nature’s most sublime work must be kept pristine.
Forever.
And ever.
Amen.